Few things can make one feel as helpless as trying to help a friend who is grieving. While our hearts break for those who mourn, we know that there is precious little we can do to ease the other's pain.

Loss takes many forms, from the death of a close friend, family member, or beloved pet, to the end of a relationship or the loss of a job. While people and circumstances may be unique, you can learn to communicate in ways that are almost universally helpful in times of grief and sorrow.

During the Crisis

Immediately after a loss, your friend may experience an overwhelming flood of emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, relief, guilt . . . the grieving soul will often experience a combination of these emotions and more, moving from one to the next and back again in a matter of hours or even minutes. At times, your friend may appear numb, devoid of feelings, as the sheer strength of emotions may make it hard for her to accomplish even the smallest tasks. All of these responses are normal for someone who has suffered a painful loss. The best thing you can do at this time is to simply be present and responsive.

On a practical level, instead of saying, "Let me know if I can help," look for ways to assist. Offer to answer the telephone and take messages, straighten and clean around the house or prepare food. These simple efforts on your part will bring comfort to your friend and will likely be remembered for years to come. When my father died, our family received an outpouring of sympathy from dozens of people but one of the kindnesses I remember most occurred when a casual friend ran out to buy headache medicine for my mother. Simple gestures like this will help to carry your friend through this most difficult time.

Avoid Platitudes

Encourage but don't push-your friend to share her feelings. Listen attentively, knowing that expressing and sharing feelings is the first step toward healing.

As you listen, don't assume that you know what your friend needs or wants - ask him. (example, It sounds like you're exhausted. Would you like me to stay and answer the phone while you rest?) Above all, don't resort to platitudes. They aren't helpful, and although they may carry the best of intentions, platitudes may cause even more pain. Try to put yourself in your friend's place, and think about how you would react to statements like these:

• I know how you feel.

• It's for the best.

• It's God's will.

• Any statement that says you should or you will.

Presumption and judgment cause us all to bristle. In her emotionally vulnerable state, your friend will be even more sensitized to such language, and burdening her with "shoulds" is likely to set up roadblocks to communication. Let your friend tell you what she needs and how she feels.

As Time Passes

Soon the acute pain of loss will ease, and your friend will return to the business of living. But remember - grieving takes time. In the weeks and months ahead, your friend will continue to need your help as he heals. This process can't be rushed but your thoughtful support can make a big difference.

• Don't wait for your friend to call you. Make a date for coffee or lunch.

• Remember special occasions. Don't pretend that the loss didn't happen. If you know your friend is still suffering from the loss of his spouse as their wedding anniversary approaches, for example, consider sending a card just to say "thinking of you."

• If your friend is now alone, invite her to share holidays with your family.

These are just a few suggestions on how you can share your friend's sorrow and help her to heal. Each person and each circumstance is different, so remember to ask your friend how you can help. By walking with your friend through the sadness and into healing, you will be sharing the most precious gift of all - the gift of yourself.